“Welcome to Black Hole Light Processing, Inc. Here at the Black Hole, we pride ourselves on employee retention! Sure, our corporate culture may be dark, shady, and lonely. We may foster a shallow and empty morale, driving the fun out of the organization. But, look at these turnover rates!! They’re lower than the self-esteem of everyone who works for us! And check out our productivity: Higher than our top executive egos. Now that is success at its finest!”
“So, how do we do it here at the Black Hole? How do we keep turnover down and retention up? Well, quite frankly, we do just enough to keep people here. Raises and bonuses are common and competitive. When you pay your people properly, it’s much harder for them to leave. We practice the “Tear-‘em-Down-then-Build-‘em-Up” philosophy. We push hard, and then we push harder. If morale gets too low, then we build them up with praise and complements. It’s these few and far between “pats on the back” that they’ll remember! Trust me, it’s these random acts of kindness that keeps them coming back for more.”
“We also discourage creativity and risk and we make tasks repetitive and uniform. Doing this dumbifies the workforce, where the employees know nothing better than what they have. We also overload the drones, creating 12 hour workdays, 6 days a week. When the employees are busy, they don’t have time to search for other jobs.”
“Well, I can’t give away all our secrets. Otherwise, how would we maintain our competitive advantage? The above was just a few tips for you to share with others on how they can begin to lower their turnover. See, once you’ve got your people in the quicksand, they’re never gettin’ out. The harder they try, the more stuck they get. And that’s really what it’s all about: Recruiting the right stars, and keeping those stars in your galaxy!”
“So, how do we do it here at the Black Hole? How do we keep turnover down and retention up? Well, quite frankly, we do just enough to keep people here. Raises and bonuses are common and competitive. When you pay your people properly, it’s much harder for them to leave. We practice the “Tear-‘em-Down-then-Build-‘em-Up” philosophy. We push hard, and then we push harder. If morale gets too low, then we build them up with praise and complements. It’s these few and far between “pats on the back” that they’ll remember! Trust me, it’s these random acts of kindness that keeps them coming back for more.”
“We also discourage creativity and risk and we make tasks repetitive and uniform. Doing this dumbifies the workforce, where the employees know nothing better than what they have. We also overload the drones, creating 12 hour workdays, 6 days a week. When the employees are busy, they don’t have time to search for other jobs.”
“Well, I can’t give away all our secrets. Otherwise, how would we maintain our competitive advantage? The above was just a few tips for you to share with others on how they can begin to lower their turnover. See, once you’ve got your people in the quicksand, they’re never gettin’ out. The harder they try, the more stuck they get. And that’s really what it’s all about: Recruiting the right stars, and keeping those stars in your galaxy!”
Disclaimer: The above excerpt is from a fake interview with a made up executive of what I believe is a non-existent company, purely for your enjoyment!
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